If you have been on the fertility rollercoaster for any length of time, you have heard it. Maybe it was from a well-meaning aunt at Sunday dinner, a friend who "conceived the second she stopped trying," or even a stranger in an online forum.
“Just stay positive!”
“Relax, and it’ll happen.”
“Good vibes only!”
On the surface, these comments seem harmless. They are meant to be a life raft in the choppy waters of infertility. But for those of us living in the "in-between": that liminal space between wanting a child and holding one: these words can feel less like a life raft and more like a weight pulling us under.
At Liminal Women’s Psychiatry & Wellness, we see you. We see the heavy lifting you are doing every single day, and we want to have a real, honest conversation about why "just staying positive" might actually be doing more harm than good for your mental health.
The Burden of Toxic Positivity
There is a name for this phenomenon: toxic positivity. It is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. While optimism is a wonderful trait, forced optimism during a season of profound grief and physical upheaval is a different story.
When we force a "positive only" narrative, we essentially tell ourselves: and others: that our real, messy, painful emotions are wrong. We push them into a corner, hoping they’ll disappear if we ignore them long enough. But emotions don't work like that. When you are navigating fertility struggles, you are often navigating a series of "thousands of tiny losses." Each negative test, each delayed cycle, each ultrasound that doesn't go as planned: these are real traumas.
By demanding positivity, we invalidate the very real suffering you are experiencing. It’s okay to acknowledge that this is hard. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to feel like your body has betrayed you. In fact, acknowledging these feelings is the first step toward regaining clarity and emotional balance.
The "In-Between": Navigating an Unsettling Season
Infertility is often described as a "season of change," but it’s a season that feels like it has no end date. It is a state of perpetual waiting. You are waiting for the right day of your cycle, waiting for the blood work results, waiting for the "two-week wait" to finally be over.
This state of being is inherently unsettling. It’s a "liminal" space: you are no longer where you were (carefree and hopeful), but you aren't yet where you want to be (parenting). In this space, the pressure to be positive acts like a mask. It prevents you from sitting with the discomfort of the unknown.
When we work with women in our practice, we focus on helping them find a sense of "steadiness" during this upheaval. Steadiness doesn't mean you are happy all the time. It means you are grounded. It means you can feel the pain and the hope at the same time without one completely erasing the other.
Why Your Mental Health Deserves More Than a Mantra
The research on the mental health impact of infertility is staggering, yet it’s often kept behind closed doors. Studies have shown that women undergoing fertility treatments, like IVF, experience psychological distress levels comparable to those diagnosed with terminal illnesses like cancer.
Think about that for a second. If a friend told you they were battling a chronic, life-altering illness, would you tell them to "just stay positive"? Probably not. You would offer them a shoulder to cry on, practical help, and the space to be devastated.
Yet, when it comes to fertility, society often expects women to be "warriors" who never lose their smile. This expectation is a heavy burden. In fact, research shows that:
- 90% of women report feelings of depression while struggling with fertility.
- 42% of women in this position have reported thoughts of suicide or deep hopelessness.
- The cycle of stress: where infertility causes stress, and the stress of infertility feels like it's hindering success: is a very real psychological loop.
Attempting to bypass professional care with a "mindset shift" or a positive mantra ignores the biological and neurological reality of what you are going through. Your brain is processing trauma. That requires more than a "good vibes" sticker; it requires evidence-based, compassionate care.
The Myth of the "Stress-Infertility" Connection
One of the most damaging parts of toxic positivity is the underlying suggestion that your "negativity" or "stress" is the reason you aren't getting pregnant. How many times have you been told, "If you just relax, it’ll happen"?
This is perhaps the ultimate form of victim-blaming in the healthcare world. It suggests that if you could just control your emotions, your reproductive system would fall in line. Not only is this scientifically oversimplified, but it also creates a secondary layer of guilt. Now, you aren't just sad about your fertility; you’re also stressed about being stressed.
We want to take that weight off your shoulders right now. Your stress is a result of your struggle, not the cause of it. While high levels of chronic stress aren't great for anyone’s health, the idea that a "negative thought" can stop a pregnancy is simply not how the body works. You are allowed to be stressed. You are allowed to be worried. Your feelings are a natural response to a very difficult situation.
Finding Emotional Clarity: A Different Path Forward
If "just staying positive" isn't the answer, what is? At Liminal Women’s Psychiatry & Wellness, we believe in a thoughtfully individualized approach that honors the "full picture" of your life. We move away from the "top-down" medical approach and instead focus on a partnership.
Here is what a healthier, more grounded approach looks like:
- Validation of the Unheard: We start by naming the feelings that are difficult to name. We acknowledge the grief of the "phantom" children you’ve already named in your heart. We acknowledge the exhaustion of the hormone injections and the clinical nature of your sex life.
- Evidence-Based Support: Mental health support: whether through specialized therapy or medication: is a proven way to decrease the heavy symptoms of depression and anxiety. Interestingly, research also suggests that managing these mental health conditions can actually improve the success rates of fertility treatments because it allows your body to function from a place of relative safety rather than constant "fight or flight."
- Mindfulness over Forced Cheer: Instead of forcing a smile, we practice mindfulness. This means noticing the pain, acknowledging it, and letting it be there without letting it consume your entire identity. It’s about finding moments of "clarity" amidst the fog.
- Professional Partnership: Working with a provider who understands reproductive psychiatry means you don't have to explain why a baby shower invitation feels like a physical blow. We already know. We are here to provide the steadiness you need to navigate these social and emotional landmines.
You Don't Have to Do This Alone
The journey through fertility struggles can feel incredibly lonely. It’s a journey often taken in the quiet hours of the morning, over a plastic stick, or in a sterile clinic room. But you don't have to carry the burden of "staying positive" on your own.
It is okay to be not okay. It is okay to seek help. It is okay to admit that this season of change is the hardest one you’ve ever walked through.
Our goal is to help you regain your sense of self: the "you" that existed before the cycles and the schedules. By focusing on emotional balance and grounded, evidence-based care, we can help you find a way to navigate this in-between space with your mental health intact.
If you’re feeling the weight of the "two-week wait," the exhaustion of secondary infertility, or the crushing pressure of "just staying positive," reach out. Let's work together to find a path that honors your reality and offers a sense of relief and stability.
This isn't about a quick fix. It’s about a process of healing, one unhurried step at a time. You deserve to be heard, validated, and supported: no "good vibes only" required.